I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
i think both sides are to blame here
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint