Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
You Might Also Like
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
(Electricians.)
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.