Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Mornin. * use accordingly
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Not helping
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”