Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
When I snag the last meatball.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.