Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
You Might Also Like
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.