Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
my dog when i have a friend over
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.