Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Cat is stressing him out.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
…żyje?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha