me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
You Might Also Like
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop