What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
You Might Also Like
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.