Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?