My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Ovenable?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Watermelon Boss!
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.