It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?