“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”