In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…