If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
OH. COME. ON.