This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
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Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand