The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?