Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
You Might Also Like
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.