When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
favorite tropes as memes
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts