me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”