“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Think I pulled my liver
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.