GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
oh you wanna fight?!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.