I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.