Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.