Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
@funTweeters
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Still cracks me up