Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
All excellent questions
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.