When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys