every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop