she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
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Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Sell your car
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.