I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
We like the way Dwight thinks
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys