ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
All excellent questions
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver