Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Yup!
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]