“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.