[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Best mom ever 😂
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”