Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
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5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.