I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training