when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
going to the ER y’all need anything
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?