If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun