It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Oh boy, $150,000!
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help