Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Feels like the fourth month in January
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.