[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?