ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
You Might Also Like
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
she has a point
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.