when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
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If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
“The Perfect Relationship”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom