Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
You have been warned.