Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.