Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Doug is just Canadian for dog
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Why I divorced her.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Finally
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break