I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations