If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car: