My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.