You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir